Post by Danny DuMont on Jun 29, 2007 15:50:03 GMT -5
So I decided to start a story.
But I'm not really sure if it is any good though. I was wondering if I could get some opinions, maybe some constructive criticism. I'm not the best writer, but I try ha ha.
Be relentless!
Thanks,
Danny.
"My name is Darren." Stated the boy across from me. He was short and stumpy. I remember that because when I stood next to him he came to my waist. He continued, "I was killed by a big semi truck." Somehow I doubted that. The new comers always liked to look good so they generally made up stories like that. There was a murmur among the crowd as the boy continued, "my last words were 'I love you, Mommy.'" The crowd awed, but I wasn't satisfied. That never happened. Not even in a perfect world. The smart thing would have been to keep my big mouth shut, but I'm not too smart you see...
"That's the biggest load of bull crap I've ever heard in my life." I said. Not only did my words make a spectacle of me, but within my comment I had stood up as if challenging Darren. "No one's last words come out like that. Ever. If you were hit by a semi then your damn brains would have been mushed in too far to say one bloody thing." Darren looked at me with a glare. Busted. "OK, so what if I touched up my story a bit?" Darren replied in his defense. I saw that as a dare. This kid didn't know who he was messing with.
"Kenny, calm down." Said an older member of the group. "Yeah, Kenny." Chimed in another, "it's not worth it." I shook my head. Winning this was important to me. I had been dead a whole heck of a lot longer than that Darren kid, and the fact that he challenged me like that didn't go unnoticed. "Alright, Darren. This group... is all about honesty. Now share with us... what really happened. Start all over." I said as I took my seat. "No touch ups." I added for clarity. Even though I could tell that Darren wasn't satisfied with the situation, I was grinning like a fool.
"OK, OK. My name is Darren Boswell. I died when I was 13 years old. My last words weren't 'I love you, Mommy'... they were 'man, look at that train go.'" Darren looked around the group, who all had astonished faces. "I wasn't killed by a semi... I was killed by a train. Me and some friends were jumping trains and I was pulled under." Darren tossed me one more glance before he sat down as if to say, 'Happy?' But I was happy. My duty was served.
"Alright, Big shot." Darren said as he crossed his arms. "Let's hear your story since you think you're so great." I cocked an eyebrow with a smile. The group had already heard my story MANY times due to situations much like this. But... because I like to brag... I didn't see any harm of telling it again.
"Well... if you insist. My name is Kenny Howell, and I died at the ever so ripe age of 22. May last words... well... they were 'hold the mayo.'" I said pridefully. Yeah, and that was the only part I was proud of. To tell the truth... my life sucked. I was just like Darren when I had first arrived. I wanted it to sound great! But someone caught me, and I had to tell the truth. I had to tell everyone the shameful way I died.
Hold the mayo. Yeah, those words will definitely be famous one day. I could just picture people years from the time of my death talking about it. People in the group still occasionally laughed about it. So what if those were my last words? They aren't important! Okay... so they are pretty important. How was I supposed to know that I was going to die?
"Are you serious?" Darren said through his obnoxious snorts. My last words got more laughs than his snorting. Imagine that. "Do you want to hear it or not?" I said angrily. "Yeah... please... go ahead." Darren said in reply. I would have knocked that selfish smile right off his face, but let's face it... I was more of a no body than he was. Well... technically anyways.
"It all started at my mothers house... it was June 24, 1996... I was supposed to be going to see a movie with my friend Charlie, but that wasn't exactly what we did..." Suddenly all of the details of that day flooded back to me. I couldn't believe I was so stupid, but I was, and I still am... and ignorant fool, that was what I was. And the moment I started to tell that story, I was reminded of just how stupid people really can be in the prime of their life. Especially me.
But I'm not really sure if it is any good though. I was wondering if I could get some opinions, maybe some constructive criticism. I'm not the best writer, but I try ha ha.
Be relentless!
Thanks,
Danny.
All the small things
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"My name is Darren." Stated the boy across from me. He was short and stumpy. I remember that because when I stood next to him he came to my waist. He continued, "I was killed by a big semi truck." Somehow I doubted that. The new comers always liked to look good so they generally made up stories like that. There was a murmur among the crowd as the boy continued, "my last words were 'I love you, Mommy.'" The crowd awed, but I wasn't satisfied. That never happened. Not even in a perfect world. The smart thing would have been to keep my big mouth shut, but I'm not too smart you see...
"That's the biggest load of bull crap I've ever heard in my life." I said. Not only did my words make a spectacle of me, but within my comment I had stood up as if challenging Darren. "No one's last words come out like that. Ever. If you were hit by a semi then your damn brains would have been mushed in too far to say one bloody thing." Darren looked at me with a glare. Busted. "OK, so what if I touched up my story a bit?" Darren replied in his defense. I saw that as a dare. This kid didn't know who he was messing with.
"Kenny, calm down." Said an older member of the group. "Yeah, Kenny." Chimed in another, "it's not worth it." I shook my head. Winning this was important to me. I had been dead a whole heck of a lot longer than that Darren kid, and the fact that he challenged me like that didn't go unnoticed. "Alright, Darren. This group... is all about honesty. Now share with us... what really happened. Start all over." I said as I took my seat. "No touch ups." I added for clarity. Even though I could tell that Darren wasn't satisfied with the situation, I was grinning like a fool.
"OK, OK. My name is Darren Boswell. I died when I was 13 years old. My last words weren't 'I love you, Mommy'... they were 'man, look at that train go.'" Darren looked around the group, who all had astonished faces. "I wasn't killed by a semi... I was killed by a train. Me and some friends were jumping trains and I was pulled under." Darren tossed me one more glance before he sat down as if to say, 'Happy?' But I was happy. My duty was served.
"Alright, Big shot." Darren said as he crossed his arms. "Let's hear your story since you think you're so great." I cocked an eyebrow with a smile. The group had already heard my story MANY times due to situations much like this. But... because I like to brag... I didn't see any harm of telling it again.
"Well... if you insist. My name is Kenny Howell, and I died at the ever so ripe age of 22. May last words... well... they were 'hold the mayo.'" I said pridefully. Yeah, and that was the only part I was proud of. To tell the truth... my life sucked. I was just like Darren when I had first arrived. I wanted it to sound great! But someone caught me, and I had to tell the truth. I had to tell everyone the shameful way I died.
Hold the mayo. Yeah, those words will definitely be famous one day. I could just picture people years from the time of my death talking about it. People in the group still occasionally laughed about it. So what if those were my last words? They aren't important! Okay... so they are pretty important. How was I supposed to know that I was going to die?
"Are you serious?" Darren said through his obnoxious snorts. My last words got more laughs than his snorting. Imagine that. "Do you want to hear it or not?" I said angrily. "Yeah... please... go ahead." Darren said in reply. I would have knocked that selfish smile right off his face, but let's face it... I was more of a no body than he was. Well... technically anyways.
"It all started at my mothers house... it was June 24, 1996... I was supposed to be going to see a movie with my friend Charlie, but that wasn't exactly what we did..." Suddenly all of the details of that day flooded back to me. I couldn't believe I was so stupid, but I was, and I still am... and ignorant fool, that was what I was. And the moment I started to tell that story, I was reminded of just how stupid people really can be in the prime of their life. Especially me.